From the Willamette Week in Portland, Oregon.
Published sometime in the middle or early September of 2000.



DOUBLE LIVE GONZO AT THE GATES OF HELL


By Zach Dundas

A man stands alone in the center of the high-school gymnasium, salt-and-pepper hair flowing from skull to ass. As he clutches a microphone, the crowd of Missoula's dewiest youths leans forward.

"Someone told me what this school was called," the speaker says. "And I said, 'fucking A, it's called Hellgate High School? That's the coolest fucking shit I've ever heard. I can see the diploma now: 'I kicked ass at the gates of Hell!'"

An exultant roar rips out of 2,000 young throats. On the side of the gym opposite my seat, the school's teachers and administrators fill four rows of bleachers. Graying heads lurch involuntarily, shoulders shiver, faces slacken, as if each has been slugged in the stomach.

The noise dies a little. The man with the microphone continues.

"So I guess it goes without saying that I'm fuckin' glad to be with you today," he says. "Especially since I see all the girls decided to wear their short skirts."

Another cheer erupts. The faces of Hellgate High School's teachers, counselors, disciplinarians, janitors and secretaries fade
from slightly green to stark white. One question dominates each of their minds:

Who decided that Ted Nugent could address the 1990 student body?

The State of Montana is much blessed by man and nature, and we had some of that bounty to thank for the Nuge's appearance at Hellgate. First, the state's vast elk herds attracted Nugent, known for his will to kill as a bow-hunter. Then, there were the odd dynamics of Hellgate, which kept the authorities fearful for the moral hygiene of its students. Dominated by the preppie/hippie spawn of the University of Montana's pinko profs, Hellgate also teemed with cowkids bused in from the countryside, car-jacking Belarussians and perpetually fearful Hmong kids.

Jon F., a shadowy tyrant with rumored CIA connections, ruled the principal's office with right-wing execution, much to the dismay of the teaching faculty, most of whom believed that, with a few lucky breaks, McGovern could have turned things around back in '72.

Given this mix, it's small wonder the principal worried a lot about the uplifting of his charges, and frequently hired speakers to address us on improving themes. There was the patriotic rock band that belted out songs denouncing flag-burning; the multitude of Christian pastors who delivered carefully God-free homilies; the born-again body-builders who performed divinely inspired feats of strength.

Since Nugent was also on the speaking roster for Rockers Against Drugs, Jon F. figured, hey, here was a way to reach out to these young people on their own terms!

And reach out Nugent did.

"I don't care if you're a fuckin' chink from China, a fuckin' Mexican from Mexico, an Indian brave or whatever," the Nuge said sagely. "If you do drugs, you're a fuckin' loser."

Space limitations prohibit me from sharing the full range of Ted's 45 minutes of brilliance. Suffice it to say that he was extremely enthusiastic, not only on the subject of substance abuse but also on the topic of young women's sexual awakening.

Naturally, there were serious recriminations from various community guardians in the wake of his speech--letters to the editor, apologies read aloud in every classroom, no shortage of crow offered and eaten.

Still, his message hit home. As those decadent high-school salad days played out, whenever I was offered a chance to partake of fleshly pleasures, I paused. What Would Nugent Do? Finally, though, the evils of peer pressure won out, as a tidal wave of cheap beer and ditchweed turned Hellgate into a true den of sin. And I figured, hell--if you can't lick 'em, lick 'em.




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